Taxidermied Groundhog Predicts Six More Weeks of Inescapable Tourist Hellscape

The groundhog sure predicted something today, but it wasn’t just six weeks of winter, unfortunately for the residents of Tripping Falls.

The Annual Tradition

Sure, Punxsutawney Phil is great and all, but each year at our Taxidermy Toss, the first-place-winning taxidermied gopher earns immortality by offering up its predictions for Tripping Falls.

So what did this year’s winner have to say about the upcoming weather?  

Looks Like Six More Weeks of Inescapable Tourist Hellscape

Although the grounhog’s prediction does less to sway the outcome of the next six weeks than the apocalyptically dry winter, the signals were pretty clear: buckle up for six more weeks of insufferable fucking tourists. 

Do you love barely being able to afford your rent so that affluent white people can come trash your town? Do you love that you can’t afford to live in the town you work in, only to be spat at by the very people who depend on your service? 

And do you love being underpaid for an essential job with the ski patrol? Then the groundhog has good news for you. 

On the Upside

The only beacon of light in the dreary tourist season is the fact that business owners can hit some of their revenue goals for the year in just a few months.  

“They will pay $25 for a plate of fucking spaghetti,” said Dave Yeti, Owner of Yeti’s Spaghettis. “Seriously, we throw a few pieces of lettuce on a small plate, drizzle it with oil, call it locally sourced, and call it day. It’s a bit criminal, but they keep paying whatever we charge. You’d think it’d scare them away, but these are the same people who pay $229 for a fucking sock for their phone.“