Town ‘Hero’ Gives Up Russian Vodka in Support of Ukraine, Now Drinks Bourbon While Being a Piece of Sh*t

“I just couldn’t stand by anymore and do nothing,” said unemployed town resident Piper Newman. “Here we are as Americans in Tripping Falls, comfortable in our fishing tents, living the dream life, while over in Asia [sic] people are being terrorized by a dictator.” 

“I’m not unemployed,” Newman said. “I’m just becoming more of a social activist, and that takes a lot of time out of my schedule. It’s not for everyone, but someone has to do it.” 

Meeting at the Brown Recluse

At a meeting in the Brown Recluse Saloon, we offered to buy this unprecedently courageous hero a couple of rounds in exchange for more of his newly-developed global insights. 

As recent events have been unfolding, Newman felt compelled to do the unthinkable — give up all Russian vodkas — to show solidarity with the Ukrainian people. 

“When I saw these light-skinned people on TV fleeing their homes, it really hit home,” said Newman. “This isn’t some place like Africa or South America, where they’re used to it. They have to be terrified. I couldn’t stand idly by and do nothing,” Newman said in between obnoxious, slurpy bourbon sips. 

How the Hell Did We Get to Talking About Container Homes?

“They’re economical, and you can put them anywhere,” said Newman. “When my side hustle starts paying off, I’m gonna move two big shipping containers and stack them on top of each other. No fourth wall for me. Just two open-faced containers on top of each other with a ladder. I really want to embrace the outdoors, like I’m so fortunate to do here every night. Every single cold, windy and snowy night,” said Newman as he trailed off and stared blankly into his glass of bourbon. 

I suppose as long as they’re not Russian shipping containers, he’ll be alright.